Saturday, October 6, 2012

I Will Wait

I made vegetable croquettes for dinner and now my hair smells like a KFC.  My favorite band of all time released a new album and I have found it very inspirational.  Life, in general, has been fairly trying lately. D and I have an innate ability to rise above most difficult things with strength as a pair.

Without D, I'm afraid, any difficult situation feels almost insurmountable to me. I am so blessed to have him as a partner. He possesses so many qualities I do not. Some, like the ability to go long periods of time without eating, seem trivial most of the time, but other times, I am terribly jealous and wish that - through some kind of marriage osmosis - I could borrow his metabolism. Instead, skipping not even a meal, but a snack, leaves me completely useless.  A gelatinous heap of auburn hair and freckles that cannot even muster the energy to eat anything but the Ritz cracker crumbs conveniently dribbled on the floor by her infant son.


Some of D's other qualities, like how he can meet your every gripe or complaint with an equally powerful positive point, tend to annoy at first but prove to be something I wish I could do when I don't have him there to meet my whining with a beautiful counterpoint.  It's a truly valuable characteristic that, try as I might, I just don't have most of the time.


Still more of his qualities, like how he can acknowledge how awful something is but somehow make it okay, are priceless.  If something looks awful, I stare in horror.  If it sounds awful, I turn it off.  If something smells awful, I smell it twice more and then ask him to confirm that it is - in fact - pungent.  If someone says something awful - I stare at them in disgust. If we're in an awful situation - I stew in it. I worry about it, talk about it until I cannot anymore. I lie awake and think about it, dream about it, pray about it.

These all seem like perfectly natural responses to something awful for me.  Not for D. He simply acknowledges the terrible-ness, and then .... just .... moves on. Sometimes he'll smirk. Maybe later, he'll say something like 'man...that poor woman probably had no idea her skirt was tucked into her pantyhose'.  And then I feel bad for having stared and giggled, because he's right. He's sympathetically and kindheartedly right.  He knows we're in an awful situation, but he tells me that it's okay because of all of the other things in our life that aren't this specific situation are wonderful and, soon, this will be too.


And - so - as trying as some things may be, they really aren't that bad when I get to go through them with D. For that, I am so thankful.

Everything passes anyway, good or bad, it's all just passing through.


I've been reading a lot, and should start posting more in the 'Books' section very soon. I'm always sad when I discover a 'new' author after they've passed away.  Partially because I'll never have even the possibility of shaking their hand, and partially because the prospect of any new works is almost nil. (I say 'nil' because sometimes there will be a compilation of unreleased works -- always a treat.)  The most recent experience with this for me was with Norah Ephron.  I downloaded one of her books as something lighthearted to read after finishing a heavy read.  Only, she had much, much more depth than I had anticipated and it made me want to read everything she's ever written. ever. Her writing style makes me so happy. I guess I should take the old book-cover pun a bit more literal.


I find myself going through a sort of grieving process when I know there won't be any more from these great minds.  Bukowski, Hemingway, Sexton, Plath, and now Ephron. I also find myself appreciating their words just a little more.


Fall is upon us and the whole world is beautiful. The air feels new. The colors are better than I remember.  All of the apples have fallen off the neighbor's trees and when I drive by I am surprised at how quickly they grew, and then fell.


little brother will be one in November. The speed at which the past year has passed is alarming. I'm so in love with him. I wish, so much, that he would just slow down a little bit. He is taking steps all the time. Balancing on his little feet and taking one - two - three steps. He'll plop onto his bum and crawl after that, but only to pull himself up again and try once more. It's the most natural thing for him, to want to move like all of us around him. To watch, and then watch some more, and then try over and over. Babies are just born with determination. It's beautiful.


Big brother is focused on fall baseball.  He only has a few more games and the season is over. I'll be sad that something he loves is ending, but happy because it's getting really cold outside. Too cold for little brother to sit through a whole game, so we stay home sometimes.  Big brother is one of the funniest people I know.  Sometimes unintentionally, but sometimes hilariously on purpose. I think he's so cool.


I am aware that this particular post lacked any direction, but I'll get back on track soon. Everything is changing all the time. Who knows what might happen next?


If you have love in your heart let it show while you can.


-S.