Monday, December 31, 2012


Dear Family and Friends,

Christmas was wonderful at Moraine.  Big Brother has been enjoying his electronics and Little Brother has been reading books and playing with the Little People.  Big Brother also celebrated G-pa's birthday by seeing the Hobbit.  Big thought it was the best movie of the year.  Sweetheart has been cooking a lot this past week.  She has been using the crock pot, electric griddle and toaster oven.  We have yet to use the chocolate fountain.

We have snow on the ground although no need for a plow just yet.  Took a walk in the woods yesterday and it was very peaceful.  I saw an owl at a distance and some coyote tracks near the side yard.  We have  plenty of Juncos at the feeders. Still no Turkeys in the yard.  Sweetheart is worried Penny moved on to a different property.

I have spent the past week with The Boys.  I have been on vacation enjoying new books about Indiana butterflies and shrubs of the Midwest.  I have also been listening to The American album by Joe Purdy.

"It isn't easy to be a pioneer when the land that you move to is dry."


Saturday, December 29, 2012


'I can't go back. I don't want to. Cause all my mistakes, they brought me to you.'


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Month Thirteen!

little brother -

You turned one last month, and all of your explorations and new found talents were a challenge for me to express adequately without becoming emotional.

Sometimes you sit quietly and flip through books. Only board books - you like to rip the pages out of regular books. You point at pictures and give them your own names. You lift the book close to your face and breathe.breathe.breathe. and look. so very intently. You flip the pages, over and over and over. When you reach then end, you do it all again. Books are one of your favorite things to explore. You like to chew the corners and carry them around by just one page. You like to knock down the stacks of books throughout the house. You like to play the drums on books. You like to sit with books.

You are so active, so very curious. When it is just you and I around the house, I like to tell you about all kinds of things. About songs. About snow. About good people. About joy. About love. Always about love.  I kiss your big, pink cheeks and you squeal like a tiny wild animal.  You wiggle to be set free.  You run from end to end and then back again, across the house, across the room, as far as your little legs will carry you.  You catch my eyes, or I catch yours - I don't know - and we share a sincere smile. You know you are my joy, and I feel in my heart that I am yours.

You are exploring new foods all the time. You don't like to be fed with a spoon because you're a big guy now.  You will only eat what you can use your fingers for. Sometimes you hate a food on Tuesday and love it on Thursday.  You only have two bottles a day now, one in the morning, and one at night.  You are the snuggliest bottle drinker. You bury your body in our arms and nestle in once the milk is gone.  You try to fall asleep in our arms but it's harder for you now. Instead of sleep, you like to wave your arms and make little noises.  We have to lay you down in your crib awake now and have you settle yourself.  Your daddy and I are your favorite playmates and it's hard to sleep on your best buddy.

When you wake up in the mornings, you jump in your bed. You call for us gently, "mah mah"  or "dahhhhda" and it's the most rewarding song I can ever imagine waking up to.  Your favorite word is 'ball'.  You can also say your Big Brother's name and 'cat'.  You like to point out photos of Big Brother and tell us his name.  You like to point to the cats and tell us they're cats.  You.are.amazing.  You're so smart and kind. When we hug you, you pat our backs because you love us too.

It was difficult for me to see you turn one.  I want to keep you my tender little baby forever, but every new tooth that appears, every new word you associate to something you've seen a million times, every smile we exchange makes it clear to me that you will continue to grow...and that every day is better than the one before.

My darling little explorer, I love you immensely. I am so proud of the little guy you are growing into. Thank you for choosing me to be your mah mah.

I like you, I love you, I will always protect you.


your mom


Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Winter In My Heart

"If the only prayer you ever say in your life is Thank You, you have said enough"
-Eckhart Tolle

I don't know if that is true or not, and I would rather not risk taking the easy road out on that, but today I was off work.  little brother and I fed some goats oak leaves.  We ate noodles with our fingers for lunch and he took a really long bubble bath - extra long - I filled the tub twice to keep him from getting cold.  He took a long afternoon nap, so I cleaned the boy's bathroom and lit some candles.  While I cooked dinner, D took both boys to the drugstore to get candy bars.

For all of this, all I can say is "Thank You."

Christmas will be here before I know it.  We are not even close to finished shopping, but it feels really good to know the boys will have a good holiday. It feels good to know that Big Brother will understand what the holidays are about - family, appreciation, warmth.  It all gets lost in the shuffle, and little brother is too young to understand, but I had a conversation with Big Brother about the holidays and he knows more than I give him credit for. I was explaining to him that he doesn't have to get me a gift, to use his money for other things, and he responded "I want to get you a gift because I appreciate you."  Which I understood completely -and I felt the same.  "I want to get you a gift because I appreciate you, too,"  I told him.  And - just like that, Christmas made more sense than it has in a really, really long time.

 And for that, I am so thankful.

little brother has been talking a lot lately.  To date, his vocabulary is: ball, mahmah, cat, dahdah, quackquack and Big brother's name.  He likes to carry a ball around the house, raise it high above his head and tell anyone who will listen "BALL!".  He likes to point at photos of Big brother and tell us his name, over and over and over.  Sometimes he chases one of the cats until she disappears. Once she's gone, he says "cat." Only it's more of a question then a statement. "cat?"  He spends most days playing in either the living room or his bedroom, both of which are set up for minimal destruction and maximum safety for a one year old boy.  Much to my chagrin, his current favorite food is turkey hot dogs.  He can't eat them fast enough. But his hunger strike is over and has morphed into full-blown picky-eaterdom.

But he is eating and growing and talking and becoming so smart. And I can only say "Thank You."

Big Brother - Winter 2010

There are a lot of parts of winter that I dread - mostly the cold, but also the snow removal.  Sometimes all of the family gatherings get overwhelming. No matter how much we budget, we always come out of December totally broke and tired.  But Big brother is off school for two weeks, and little brother is at the most fun age where everything is amazing to him, and D will be taking some time off work so we can all be together.

Thank You.

I ordered myself a new winter coat this evening as a Christmas gift from D's parents, so I can't even really complain about the cold.   I made lentil soup for dinner and everyone loved it.  little brother is sleeping through the night almost every night and mornings aren't terrible anymore.  Being well-rested, even if it's 3 out of 7 nights a week is majestic.   We're all ok.  We're all ok.

Thank You.

 "I want to fit in to the perfect space - feel natural and safe in a volatile place.  I want to grow old without the pain - give my body back to the earth and not complain."